IWNDWYT

“Hi. My name's McKenna. I have eight days from alcohol.”

I didn’t know whether to say eight days sober or not. Didn’t really know the protocol. 

Scattered claps emerged from the group.  

They understood. Here. 

We all sat in the same sea foam green cushioned chairs, in a grey room with fluorescent lighting. On the wall, a clock with brown wooden trim slowly counted down the hour. Someone reached over and cracked open the window. 

It was hot.

One of those unusually warm days for spring. One of those days where I’d probably get a cold canned cocktail, or four on my walk home.  A bunch of different flavored seltzers were stuffed in my bag instead. Raspberry lime. Blueberry lime. Regular lime. 

“Welcome McKenna. We usually do a rose and a thorn here. Something good about the day and something you’re working through.”

The group counselor, a man with medium-length hair and a button-up, sat in a black rolling desk chair and passed around a sign-in sheet. Name. Sober time. Drug of choice. 

“Um,”

I hadn’t really thought much about it. Hadn’t really been asked. I was sort of used to lying about how I felt anyway. 

“Well, the rose is, I guess that I’m here today. This is my first time doing a group. I’m new.”

A few nods from the group.

My hands shook as I continued to speak. 

“I guess the thorn is that I’m here today.”

More nods.

“That’s it, I guess.”

My last attempt at getting sober had been two months earlier and lasted around two and a half weeks. 

My phone's Safari search history was now a relic of receipts. Proof of my frantic attempt to salvage an abusive, on-again, off-again relationship. 

Like the time I swore I’d never go through my ex’s phone. Knowing what I was looking for was exactly what I was going to find. This time, instead of spiraling over tits it was Tito’s. 

do i have a drinking problem? 

Dio i havee a substannce abuSre problerm?

How to know if you have a drinking problem? Reddit

how to know if you Should Go to AA? Reddit 

is AA necessary if ur not really an alcoholic? 

signs of alcohol abuse? Reddit 

I dont ac tuallu have a substance use issue but sometime i wonder aboutt that

I ended up on r/stopdrinking, scrolling through a sea of anonymous users. 

user 1: if you have to ask if you have a drinking problem you probably have a drinking problem. 

user 2: Normal people don’t have a list telling them what not to do when they’re drunk

user 3: Anyone rotating other liquor stores or mapping different routes throughout the night or week to avoid looking like a drunk?

I laughed at that last one. Even while being wasted I still cared about what people thought of me. My actual addiction.

user 4: IWNDWYT!!!! One day at a time.

The day before intake, I had gotten trashed. Tequila, whisky mules, vodka shots mixed with Cutwater margaritas. I’d get sober, fine. But not before getting absolutely fucked. 

“Would you say your use has affected your performance at work?” 

The intake counselor, a girl who looked around my age, asked as I sat in a black chair behind the large computer in front of her. Next to her, a counselor in training who looked like she’d seen some shit in life. 

The day after that binge, I went into work leaving my chair every thirty minutes to vomit in my boss's bathroom. 

“Sure.”
Or was her question more specific? Like all work? Ever? Maybe I should have told her about the time I got fired. 

“Okay,” she continued “And how often would you say you drink, and to what extent?”

“Well, for a while it was every day, and then it became this every two weeks binge thing,” 

She started typing. 

“I’m not really the type of person that can just have two or three drinks. Once I start I can’t really stop. It’s always been that way. With everything.” 

The recommendation: Vivitrol. 

“Okay. And how long have you been able to stay sober?” 

“Um. Well, I’ve been sober for a month before, but I’m not really sure if I lasted the whole month–”

“That’s okay.”

“Anyway, that's when I felt I had a problem.”

That wasn’t fully honest.  The real answer was less polished. I knew I had to go to rehab a few years before. Just didn’t. My ex convinced me that rehab was an extreme. He didn’t have to say much. That I just had to get rid of the stimulants, and that drinking was under control.

I mean Adderall in particular was sort of taking care of itself anyway. It was prescribed. I needed it. I mean it was a legal alternative. I was practically a law-abiding citizen.  There was a massive shortage in the city, and I was burning through my prescription each month so technically I wasn’t using it all the time anymore. Okay, so I was buying it off people here and there. But I stopped. I wasn’t doing that as much. Too much money.

Look. If  I went to rehab what would I tell people?

That I was selfish?? I have a fucking job I couldn’t go to rehab? That I was never present as a person? A partner? I couldn’t go to rehab. I have bills?? I sucked as a partner??  I sucked as a daughter?? I never processed any of the shit that happened to me??? I’m not special? I’m a mess??? I’m a liar? Vile? Awful? Rehab???

Yeah right. I wasn’t going to fucking rehab. 

I did the responsible thing and switched to Ritalin instead which sucked to abuse, so it was technically preventative care. Then I  decided I’d do this every-two-weeks, drinking thing. Because I didn’t have a problem. Just right there, I proved it. I handled it. 

“Okay, and what’s your relationship with other substances?” 

I looked up for a moment as she listed off a bunch of different drugs. Ones that I’d stolen from my mother’s medicine cabinet at seventeen. Others I’d left behind in college. Some I took just because someone offered them to me. Some I lied about being on. Others I would never touch. Others I watched consume men I loved. Ones I had told a lover to put down a few months ago:

“You will die if you don’t stop.”

But I was talking to myself. 

“How does this work?” We were just about through with the intake questions. 

“Okay. So, we usually start people off with four groups a week here.” 

Here. The outpatient addiction recovery center that I could no longer avoid. Sobriety I could no longer avoid. 

I hated being told what to do. Maybe it's the reason I kept making excuses. The reason Reddit became my therapist. 

I mean did I actually have a problem? The only thought in my mind as the counselor handed over a pen. 

 I wasn’t going to methadone clinics. 

“Have you ever felt like you were a danger to yourself because of your use?”

Sure.

I wasn’t like those addicts you saw on the street.

“Have you tried to stop but couldn’t?”

Yes. 

I wasn’t that bad. 

“Have you ever been hospitalized because of your use?”

Sort of. 

I wasn’t these people. I was —

“Has your use impacted your relationships?”

All of them. 

I looked over as she filled the white printed schedule with times and dates of groups I’d attend at the center: Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday. People, places, and things that consumed my life, just vanished before my eyes as I signed my name on the agreement form. 

“I just don’t know if this is possible.” 

The final barter. 

“Don’t you have to want to be sober to do this? Like is it really possible to stay sober the rest of my life? I don’t think so.”

The counselor in training handed me a tissue. 

“We have all been where you are. You just have to take it one day at a time–”

I can’t do this.

“Sometimes one second at a time. The important thing is that you showed up today.”

She meant that.

Handed me a recovery booklet as I walked out. 

I still feel that way.